In this episode, I chat with my friend Kati about the sexual abuse she endured as a young child, as well as the abandonment she felt by her mom as a child and teenager. Those things together really affected her and the way she viewed herself. She was constantly searching for love and always felt unworthy. After meeting her husband and trying to start a family, they have been on a roller coaster ride. Kati has struggled with infertility and has lost two sets of twins – the last miscarriage nearly destroyed her.*

When Kati was little, they moved from a big city in Arizona to a tiny town in Utah. They were poor and had to work hard for the things they had.

Kati talks about a time when she was in 2nd or 3rd grade. She and a bunch of her cousins were having a big slumber party at an aunt’s house. Kati was awoken in the middle of the night to one of her older male cousins touching her inappropriately. It happened again the next night. And again several years later, when she was in 6th or 7th grade.

Kati had never dared say anything, especially after the first two times it happened because she was scared. She didn’t know what he could or would do to her. She thought her parents would yell at her and she’d be in trouble. She kept that dark secret for years, until she overheard a conversation her sisters were having about the cousin. Kati finally told them what happened to her and together, they told their family. About 6 months after the last time it happened with her cousin, it also happened with a friend’s step-dad. She never said anything about it to anyone because she knew her dad would kill him and she wasn’t willing to lose her dad over it. During that time, she also started self-harm.

When Kati was a Freshman in High School, her world was flipped upside down, again. Her mom sat her and her sisters down to let them know she was leaving. Kati never felt close to her mom, but this just added to the abandonment she already felt.

All of these things led Kati to become so desperate for someone to just love her. She wanted to feel wanted and needed and loved. She was always in a relationship. The Summer before her Senior year of High School, she met her husband. He was able to fulfill all of her wants and needs. He made her whole again. “I don’t think he even realized what he did for me.” They married the weekend before her graduation.

About two months into their unofficial relationship, Kati found out she was pregnant. She told Wyatt and they told their families. They had talked about getting married, but Kati said she didn’t want to just because they were having a baby. He told her that he wanted to marry her anyway. In January of 2011, they went to their first doctor appointment. The test came back negative, but the doctor proceeded anyway. He did a PAP and said that things were looking weird inside. “Well, duh. That’s because I’m pregnant.” The doctor decided to do an ultrasound and instead of finding a baby, he found a cyst in her fallopian tube. One that likely would have killed her, had it burst. She had emergency surgery the next day to remove it. Before she went to surgery, she was thinking that Wyatt was going to leave her, but little did she know, he had already bought a ring and was asking her dad for his blessing.

They married and Kati immediately wanted to start her family. Wyatt told her no and made her wait a couple years. When he finally said yes, they tried for a year with no luck. They found a doctor who put Kati on a fertility cycle. That wasn’t working either, so they did IUI. That worked! They got an ultrasound and found out it was twins. However, the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat on one, so he told them to come back next week. The following week, they went back and the babies hadn’t grown as much as they should have and their heartbeats were faint. Again, the doctor said come back next week. When they went back, the babies hadn’t grown and there was no heartbeats.

A couple weeks later, Kati naturally had a period – something that was very unusual for her. She called her doctor and asked for Clomid. They wanted to try on their own, but not have it be super stressful. Lo and behold, she got pregnant! In September of 2016, they welcomed a baby boy into their family.

About a year later, in August of 2017, Kati was super depressed over her weight. The gastric sleeve surgery was becoming more talked about and she decided to do it. “I was easy 100 pounds overweight. I would have rather died during the surgery than die from being so unhealthy.” The doctor said she needed to wait a year before trying to get pregnant again.

In May of 2018, Kati and her husband started trying to have another baby. They tried for a couple months, then she found out she had gallbladder issues, so that was removed in August. The doc said to wait a month or two before trying again.

In October, Kati found out she was pregnant again. Her blood work was good and showed her levels rising, but the ultrasounds were showing empty sacs. The next week, Kati got the news (twins again) they were gone. She requested another D&C, but her doctor advised her against it and had her insert some pills that were to dissolve the lining. Kati said the pain was so excruciating. The percoset that was prescribed to her barely took the edge off. When she went to the doctor the following week for a checkup, he told her it wasn’t all gone and she’d have to do another round of the pills. Kati was so mad and frustrated. She was done. No more kids.

When she left the doctor that day, the blood just started flowing and would not stop. Kati became suicidal because of how traumatic it was for her. She proceeded with the next round of pills and at her next appointment, the doctor said there was still some remnants. She did a third round of pills and it was finally all gone. The doc said to wait before trying again, but Kati still thought she was done. She couldn’t go through the pain again.

A few months later, she decided she was ready. They found a different doctor and went through four rounds of a new medicine and routine. Still nothing. They decided to go back to her original doctor and he said they needed to wait six months before trying again.

Listen to the full episode to hear all the details.

*Please note: this is the guest’s story. Their story is how they perceive it. It is not my judgement or responsibility to determine whether or not this story and the things said are true. Please be open minded when listening to/reading these stories.

LINKS TO THINGS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
–Kati’s Instagram
–Shailee’s episode
-Kati’s favorite book: Zoom Broom, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and You are a Badass
-Kati’s favorite product: Pregnancy pillow
-Kati’s song recommendation: Crashing by Illenium (listen on the Hard Knocks guest list playlist on Spotify)
-My ending song recommendation: Take This by Staind (listen on the Hard Knocks – Jourdan’s Picks playlist on Spotify)

“If I ever tell you about my past, it’s never because I want you to feel sorry for me, but so you can understand why I am who I am.”

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