Marty himself was abused and became an abuser. He was a narcissist through and through. When it came time to choose between this behavior or his son, he chose his son. He was desperate for help. For someone to speak up about this. But there was no one that could relate to him directly. “There was lots of help for people who had been abused. But there was none for people who had been abusive.” Marty is changing the waves by speaking out and showing that it is possible for a narcissist to change if they want it bad enough.*
When Marty was a kid, he’d spend the summers with his grandparents helping out on the farm. That’s where he experienced abusive behavior for the first time, by his grandfather. In some ways, Marty relates it to being in a prison camp because there was no escape. Marty feels as though his trust was violated, which in turn, created a lot of distrust. “I felt abandoned, betrayed and alone.”
Marty claims his recovery as “almost accidental.” It wasn’t necessarily his intent to recover from this abusive and narcissistic behavior. Until it was. His young son was being taken away.
So let’s back it up a little bit. I asked Marty to describe what happened leading up to his recovery. Marty and his wife at the time were both alcoholics. They would push each other’s buttons constantly. “It starts with a thought.” Then it progresses to words. Actually saying the things you’ve been thinking. Which then progresses to actions. Marty says that he doesn’t actually remember the abusive things that he did to his wife, “which is sad, because then I had to listen to her describe in great detail what I had done to her.”
Marty’s wife left him and moved to a different state. He said about two days a week, she would call and say that he needed to fly there right now because she was too intoxicated to care for their baby. Marty would have his mom call to have a welfare check done and eventually the baby was taken from her care. “It’s very humbling when you come to the conclusion that your child is safer with a stranger than he is with you.” Marty was desperate to change so that he could get his son back.
Listen to the full episode to hear all the details.
*Please note: this is the guest’s story. Their story is how they perceive it. It is not my judgement or responsibility to determine whether or not this story and the things said are true. Please be open minded when listening to/reading these stories.
LINKS TO THINGS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
–The Four Agreements book
–Marty’s Videos (YouTube)
–What is the difference between shame and guilt?
–The Reason I Jump book
–Man’s Search for Meaning book
-Marty’s favorite product: a leather bound journal
–The Traveler’s Gift book
-Marty’s song recommendation: Living on the Sand by Colter Wall (listen on the Hard Knocks guest list on Spotify)
-My ending song recommendation: Don’t Wake Me Up by Big & Rich (listen on the Hard Knocks playlist on Spotify)
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” – C.S. Lewis
If you have your own story to tell, please email me or click the “Share Your Story” tab at the top of the page.