In this episode, I chat with Amanda about what it was like to be 17 years old, seeing a fertility doctor. From there, we talk about her diagnosis of PCOS, infertility, a very sad miscarriage and how she and her husband heal through this hard season of life.*

By age 16, Amanda still had not gotten her period. She felt left out of the conversation when her friends would talk about things related to that subject. When Amanda approached her mom about it, she just said that Amanda must be a late bloomer and it’s probably been delayed because of how active she was in sports at the time. However, they did see a doctor and the doctor agreed that she should probably have started by now. The doctor put Amanda on birth control in hopes of kick starting her cycle. “Be careful what you wish for because my first ever period lasted 14 days.” Amanda and her doctor continued to try this process, hoping that her period would come back on its own, but it did not. So at 17 years old, Amanda was recommended to see a fertility doctor. At that time, the doctor said she was anovulatory and diagnosed her with PCOS.

When Amanda and her husband got married, they felt some pressure pretty quickly to have children. However, they wanted to pay off some debt and travel and spend some time together as a couple before they brought kids into the mix – rightfully so! “No one can make that decision for you, except you and your husband.”

After three years of marriage, they decided they were ready to start trying. She went back to the doctor and he took her off birth control so they could see what her body would do. After three months, she still had not gotten a period. At that time, they began to medically induce her period with another medicine, but still no period. Yet again, Amanda began to feel the pressure from those around her. They would tell her to “just relax” or would compare her to others that also had PCOS or struggled to get pregnant.

In January 2019, Amanda and her husband decided to go through their first round of fertility treatments. Amanda was placed on Clomid. She had done some of her own Google research and read that for most people, Clomid will work the first time. Amanda followed all the instructions, but her OPKs never showed that she ovulated. She cried to her husband saying that it didn’t work and wondered what they were going to do next. However, on day 30, she took a pregnancy test like she had done so many times before on day 30 and there was a faint second line.

At Amanda’s first OB visit, they did an ultrasound. They were able to hear the heartbeat, but it wasn’t as strong as it should have been and the baby was measuring a couple days behind. There were lots of happy tears. Amanda and her husband went to tell his parents that weekend. When they got back, they had a follow-up appointment and this time it was very different. The tech wasn’t saying anything, they didn’t get pictures – something was just off. Unfortunately, that night, the doctor called and said there was no heartbeat.

The doctor gave her some options for what to do next and she opted for the D&C. Her husband texted everyone they had told. Amanda threw away all but the first positive pregnancy test. Everything they had bought was hidden. She couldn’t bear the reminders. The entire week leading up to the D&C, she was so nervous to go to the bathroom because she didn’t want to see the blood.

“I really desired to find purpose in the pain.” From there, Amanda created her Instagram page @healingthroughmiscarriage – a place for women to encourage and uplift each other through the hard seasons.

Amanda shares lots of things that she is personally working through and how going to counseling has helped her to heal a little bit. She also shares tips for someone going through a miscarriage – things to consider and things that have been working for her.

Listen to the full episode to hear all the details.

*Please note: this is the guest’s story. Their story is how they perceive it. It is not my judgement or responsibility to determine whether or not this story and the things said are true. Please be open minded when listening to/reading these stories.

KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:
-Don’t tell someone to relax or stop worrying or compare them to someone else.
-Feel your feelings.
-Give yourself time and grace.
-Instead of asking someone “how are you doing/feeling?” after you know they’ve been through something hard is to say “Hey, just checking in.”
-You’re entitled to feel what you feel.

LINKS TO THINGS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
–Amanda’s Instagram
–Jenna Kutcher’s podcast
–Remembrance necklaces (This is my sweet friend Ashley’s business. She does a beautiful job.)
–Shilo Madsen’s episode
-Amanda’s favorite book: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
-Amanda’s favorite product: AirPods
-Amanda’s song recommendation: Yeah! by Usher and House on a Hill by Amanda Cook (listen on the Hard Knocks guest list on Spotify)
-My ending song recommendation: Hurricane by Luke Combs (listen on the Hard Knocks playlist on Spotify)

The difference between winning and losing is most often not quitting.

– Walt Disney

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