I won’t lie, I feel like puking when I hit “publish” on this episode. So trust me when I say, I understand the nervousness that comes with recording a show. This episode was really hard for me to listen to again after I recorded to edit and type these show notes. Going into it, I didn’t think I was going to cry, but talking about things really brought up past feelings and hurt, so I did cry like a little baby. Sorry for that. 🙂 In this episode, I just talked about some things that I missed in my first episode. Listening again, I still left out a ton and maybe will have to do another one later to talk about some things I remembered while listening again or just as the days go on.*
I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah. After my parents got divorced, my dad and I moved in with his parents, which is about 2.5 hours south of SLC. We all still live in the area and this is “home.” My dad got remarried when I was about 3.5. Shortly after that, we moved to St. George so my dad could work and go to school. When I was in first grade, we moved back “home.”
When I was in 5th grade, both of my moms had a baby boy. They are exactly three weeks apart. One in September and one in October of 2003. During this time and the beginning of middle school (6th-ish grade), I really started experiencing my depression. My dad had another kid now and I just really felt unwanted. It’s cliche, I know, but that’s honestly how I felt. I was also grounded a lot. Seemed like all of middle school. That’s a slight exaggeration, but that’s how it felt. When I was grounded, it was basically to my room. I mean, they’d let me around the house, but why would I want to hang out with my parents while I was grounded??!?
I had always been slightly suicidal, but the summer after my sophomore year of high school, I got in some trouble with a friend. We were up north at the time. Her parents said she couldn’t come home with me, so she went to DT until they could come get her. Since I drove my car, my mom said I could drive home. The whole way home, I cried. Hysterically. The whole way home, I was also thinking of ways to kill myself. I figured I could drive my car off a cliff and no one would even know where to look for me. I could slam my breaks and let a semi run me over. I could park on the side of the road, hide in front of my car and jump out when a semi got close. However, I could never go through with anything because I had five little siblings that looked up to me and I didn’t want them to think of me like that. I didn’t want that to be how they remembered me.
When I had to go back home to my dad’s house, I just hated my life. I hated my bonus mom. My dad would never hear me out or stand up for me. I just couldn’t do it anymore. So one day, I wrote a note to my parent’s that said if you don’t let me move in with my mom, you can bury me. I made my little brother – 5 at the time, take it upstairs to them. The next day, I left. I couldn’t take my stuff, so I just had a couple bags of clothes.
That Christmas, I went back to my dad’s to see the kids. This was hands down one of the worst days of my entire life. My bonus mom opened the door and didn’t say one word. Just turned around and went to her room. My dad sat in the kitchen, so I never even saw him. He never came out to say Merry Christmas or even “hi.” I went downstairs to my room to get the presents I had bought a while back for the kids. My room was empty. All my stuff was gone. The room had been entirely repainted. It’s like I never even existed. The presents weren’t there, but I did notice them around the corner from the stairs (I just remembered as I was typing this, so I was wrong in the episode on where they were), so I grabbed them and went back up. I let the kids open them and I was trying so hard not to cry. When they were done, they said for me to open mine, but I couldn’t. I had to leave go I gave them a hug and let them know I loved them. I immediately called my mom and said that we had to find my stuff and go get it. This ended in a huge fight with me laying into my dad, telling his wife she was a bitch, which in turn, she came at me so I smacked her and started a cat fight. It’s funny now that I think back about it, but it certainly wasn’t at the time. I was so hurt.
I graduated College with my Associate’s degree the month before I graduated High School. I graduated High School with honors and in the top 15 of my class. I was also pregnant at this time, if you remember from my first episode.
Listen to the episode to hear all the details.
*Please note: this is the guest’s story. Their story is how they perceive it. It is not my judgement or responsibility to determine whether or not this story and the things said are true. Please be open minded when listening to/reading these stories.
-If you are suicidal, try to think passed the moment! Try to see passed the next five minutes or hour. I know, easier said than done.. Also, have someone in your mind that you know NEEDS you.. Even if you don’t think it’s your parents, think of your siblings or best friend or even your pet! Something that would struggle so bad without you.
(If you are having suicidal thoughts, please visit the “Get Help” page and/or call the suicide hotline at 1.800.273.8255.)
-It does get better! Your home life while you are in High School is SO short compared to the life you will live after 18.
-Reach out if you need help. I can’t say this enough.
LINKS TO THINGS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
–My first episode
-Ending song: Happy the Hard Way by Every Avenue (listen on the Hard Knocks playlist on Spotify)
–My personal Instagram
In the end, it will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
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